Caught Between Two Plces

Caught between two places of which it seems, I know nothing. Torn from one end to the other by those forces we call spiritual or metaphysical. There is the desperate need to return to the so-called first love.
The idealism that I appeal to never finds its way into my life in the manner where things would change. I acknowledge the need for god but I do nothing to get there. How can one be so aware of so urgent a need, moth that desire but do nothing about it? How do I do this? How do I find so many excuses that really not excuses?
I will not live accordingly, yet god is the first I blame for those things that are less than ideal. How quickly I throw the stone that would indicate the one thrown at to be the guilty party. I am ridiculously petulant before god. I want his favour and blessings but will do nothing to deserve such blessing. Has my heart been so hardened that it is now impossible to be a part of his family. Have I finally declared myself anathema by my behaviour?
So often I appeal to the fact that I have always done my best and more to treat others as I believe he would, I appeal to this as proof of my right to be treated differently and with special favor. Why I ask, does he not treat me with favour if only for the effort I have made?
One thing I cannot state is that I love god, because I do not. I would like to and I would like god to know that. Yet again I fall into the desire versus the action to achieve that. How can I be so aware and do nothing? Why do I put my hand in the fire knowing that I will get burned? Why do I give up so easily? And if I am this weak, and if I do hold thgis desire, why does god not foster that and help me along. Why the heck is he so silent? Why stand by while I agonise so? WHY!?